Laurence The Lobster

Age: 2 and a bit

Style:Gone to pot.

"Clawrence" The Lobster came from the bottom of the sea. He doesn't like it there, he says there's too much pressure on him. His next least favourite place is the inside of Officer Maclean's saucepan and he'll go to any lengths to stay out of hot water. Clawrence spent some time in the army, he was a marine crustacean, where he was well known for his pincer movements. His favourite movies are about lumberjacks chopping down trees that go downriver into the ocean - like "20,000 logs under the Sea" for example. There's nothing crabby about Clawrence and if he likes you he'll treat you to one of his far fetched lobster tails. He does a mean cha-cha too so he might say to you "Shell we dance". Don't say yes because most establishments when they see lobsters dancing will escort them out of the dance hall and show thermidor.

Cassandra Bergenstrasserhopf-Maclean

Age: 78

Style: I'm hedging my bets.

Cassandra Bergenstrasserhopf-Maclean loves to chop hedges. "Leaf me alone" she says whenever we try to ask her about it - she's always clipping her sentences too - "I value my privetcy". We think she makes a trim-endous job of her hedge creations. Maybe if she twigs she'll branch out and make some money from it. She learnt her amazing skills during her years working for the UK's now defunct car manufacturer - British Lleylandii. Quite political, her favoured style of government is hedgemony.

Kenneth Rembrandt and Douglas Caravaggio

Age: 56 and 55 respectively.

Style: A pair of old masters.

Don't annoy these two or they'll just get in their Van and Gogh. Order a painting from them and they won't Dali, you'll get it immediately. Once they've delivered it they'll unRaphael it for you, so Cézanne old lady who bought something off them the other day for Vermeer £30. When they've finished their delivery it's a foot on Degas and off to the next job. Yesterday they stopped on their way past the shop and Bought-a-Jelly for lunch in exchange for some Monet from a Manet behind the counter.

Inglebert Featherby

Age: 81½

Style: The Pies Have It, The Pies Have It.

Sometimes Inglebert looks a bit pastry faced, that's because he's upper crust. He keeps fit by competing in Pie-athlons (which makes him a pie-athlete). Over the years he has produced several recipes that just haven't worked, the most notable of which was the famous "Duck Feather pie" which he tried to sell during the annual Fraochy Bay River run. It was a disastrous concoction that made everyone who tasted it very ill. It's referred to locallys as the "Down Pie (The Riverside)" disaster. Inglebert's dream is for the whole world to be eating Featherby's pies. Fortunately this isn't likely to happen as they only have enough manufacturing capacity to supply the town. He did look at expanding in the Jamaican market but was put off by the Pie Rates of the Carribean.

Tremendous Macphee, Newsreader Extraordinaire.

Age: 29

Style: You're really going to want to hear this.

Tremendous by name, tremendous by nature, he has a tremendous zeal for the news. "I come from News Zeal land, that's why" he explained. Since his early days when he passed the time pulling raisins out of cakes he's had a great interest in currant affairs. After college he became a reporter for the local West Highland News 25 station, reporting on boat tethering stories - "I always wanted to be an anchorman" he guffaws loudly when he tells that joke. His favourite story revolved around the great mud fight of '92 when the whole town went completely bananas and fought themselves to a standstill. "It was highly entertaining but it did eventually turn into a total muddy-hair circus" he revealed. Tremendous Macphee is 29 and lives in a £23,000 bungalow on Mind Your Own Business Street, Fraochy Bay. While visiting one day we noticed a few men outside his house wearing origami bonnets. He showed us out through the back door and whispered "So you don't get pestered by the paper-hats, see?"

Dangerous Dan The Camera Mar

Age: 35

Style: Doing something unecessarily dangerous to get the shot.

"To be a cameraman you have to have focus" said Dangerous Dan. "You also need to be able to telephoto apart from a drawing. Plus you need to zoom about and take lots of pictures, give us a lens of your camera there and I'll demonstrate". We asked Dan if he'd worked back in the days of video and he replied "Video talking about? I've always used my fingers so it's all been digital with me". In his spare time Dan goes about photographing television signal receivers - "I've always been interested in aerial photography" he explains.

Fake Maclean
Age: 3 days
Style: Doing just as much police work as the real thing.
Fake Maclean has been working for the past 3 days as a male model, he looks smart but he's just a big dummy really. He was used by Peter as the prototype for the Terminutter's brain system but without success, Peter was trying out an artistic array of intelligent flowers before he switched to fish as he found arty fuscial intelligence wasn't feasible. Never one to wax lyrical, Fake Maclean can be seen within the precincts of the museum now where he's on duty in the pie- on-ear section of the 'Local Heroes' exhibit. One time Clarence Flarence came across a policeman who was on holiday scratching the word 'POLICE' on the back of Fake Maclean's head. When he asked him why the copper replied "because I'm a Police Marks Man".

Bonnie Turtlefish-Boggs

Age: 23

Style: Was that an ice cream van I just heard there?

Bonnie loves ice cream, "Sometimes ice cream 'Vanilla I get some more?' " she cries then scurries off in the direction of the nearest ice cream seller, "It's my rum'n'raisin d'etre" she explains. When she was wee her father used to call her "Pops-ickle girl" - we don't know wafer you cone believe that or not. She tried ice cream on a stick covered in chocolate but said "they're not magnum like they used to".

Mr T. Warden

Age: Indeterminate

Style: Every traffic warden you ever saw.

"You can't park here" says Mr T. Warden to everybody he meets. Some people try to hold up crucifixes to try warden him off but it doesn't work. Once Mr T. Warden handed a ticket to a visiting monarch who had so little money he couldn't pay the fine - it was a Poor King ticket. Another time King Kong was playing golf and had just played a hole with the exact number of strokes needed and Mr T.Warden handed him a Par Kong ticket. Then after that Ina was pouring some tea for Jessie and the lid fell off with a clang, so she got a Pour Clang ticket. But the worst incidence of excessive ticketting was probably the time Farmer Gillies prize hog gave birth to a piglet that was twice the length it should have been which resulted in a Pork (Long) ticket.

Mzzz D. Warden
Age: Indeterminate
Style: Like a traffic warden, only with Dogs.
This lady loves to chase dogs and impound them. Why? Because she says "It's Great Dane this job". She once chased a dog all over town but it disappeared, "I Mastiff lost it" she said, her voice a bit Husky, "I'll Retriever though and I'll Boxer ears when I do". She pretends to be kind to animals but we think this is Rottweiler real intentions are more sinister. Just watch out for your dog or this lady will Pinscher while you're Afghan away somewhere.
The only time she hasn't gone after a dog was when she found one sitting under a bull. "This breed is known to wait beneath large male cows, it's a Bull Tarrier you see".
Although she's a dog warden she's Setter heart on graduating to traffic warden. "I like dealing with people more than dogs" she then went on to explain that she enjoys it when people get annoyed when she starts to Pointer finger at them.

Fluffy The Goldfish

Age: 1 year 3 months and a day

Style: I have more brains than my owner.

Fluffy is a goldfish but comes from Scandanavia - he's Finnish. His intelligence levels, for a goldfish, are off the scale, he's got a tail or two to tell about that. When the Provost bought him he was separated from his good friends which left him in Pisces. "You'll roe the day" he warned the Provost as they left the shop. Still he's quite happy now and is actually having a bowl which he feels quite gill-ty about sometimes. Hmmm, these jokes are starting to flounder a bit now.

Arnold Logan

Age: 27

Style: Look at the muscles! They look completely natural don't they?

Like the planet earth and it's worries over being hit by a comet, Arnold Logan has asteroid problem - or would have if he wasn't covered in fake muscles. You see he has criminal tendon-cies and is to be found trying to scam people out of their hard earned money with bogus muscle products. Having trained as an actor and spent years nosing about exercise establishments, he now has a reputation as a gym-nosy-ham. "Weight!" he cries as he's being thrown out of yet another gym "I protest! This is completely barbelloous".

Dennis Logan

Age: 29

Style: The older brother of the younger brother who's a rip off merchant.

Dennis Logan is the brains behind the operation. Hidden away beneath the podium he waits with his magnet to fool unsuspecting victims into parting with their dough. "I love magnets" he said "They're very attractive". Whenever Dennis gets discovered and accidentally pulled up through the boards he says "Don't worry, it's just a stage I'm going through".

Bjorn Toby Wildde

Age: Looks about 21 but is actually 40

Style: Not at all like the Swedish Chef from the Muppets, ooshkeedoo.

Bjorn went to join the armed forces, thinking a life at sea was just the thing for him but, as he explains "I went to scan-da- navy-an' noticed that actually it wasn't". He goes on to explain that there's Norway you can get lost in the sea around Scandanavia, you pick your route Denmark the spot where you've just been, eventually you'll Findland".

Captain longwave

Age: 58

Style: Like a pirate! Arrrrg

Aharrr me hearties. Captain Longwave hails from the late 18th Century, Cryogenically frozen by a freak Arctic blast he awoke in the late 70's to play sea shanties to anyone who'll listen. He's been about a bit, when asked about his favourite place he'll reply "I'll always Treasure Ireland". Arrggg.

Captain Tartanbeard

Age: 46

Style: A young upstart pirate come to see off the older pirate, arrgg.

Terror of the high seas pirate radio world, Captain Tartanbeard has been sending pirate radio stations down to Davy Jones' locker for the past two decades. Ahaarrrr. He likes to shout hello to people, garden a bit and have a bit of rum, or as he likes to say "Yo! Hoe hoe and a bottle of rum".

Dr Halligan and Mrs Hyde-eous.

Age: 44 and 44

Style: I Can't Believe It's Not Butter wouldn't melt in her mouth.

Mrs Halligan is a nice quiet unassuming lady by day and a rampaging vandal by night. She will quite often sneak into tradesmens' vehicles and interfere with the instruments so they read wrong, this is regarded by the law as van-dial-ism.
One night she snuck out and spent about 7 hours painting the entire town with mathematical diagrams consisting of an X axis and a Y axis with different kinds of line plotted on them. They said it was the worst case of graph-iti the town had ever seen.

Desdemona Humphreys

Age: 28

Style: Caught red handed with outlawed contraband.

This eggs-pert baker is a recipe for disaster. Her baking is pretty flantastic mind you and you just gateaux try some of it. She's very forgetful though, sometimes she'll get halfway through and then go "no, it's scone". If you ask her she'll say her favourite thing to bake is apple tart, then she'll pause and say "Am I right about that or a meringue?"

Wilfred Grimes

Age: 33 (70 years ago)

Style: I'm a black and white sort of a guy.

Wilfred managed to get the very heavy piano all the way up the steps to the big house when a lady came along and pushed him over then the piano slid all the way down to the bottom of the steps and he had to start again. Then he got halfway up and stopped for a rest and it slid all the way back - no, wait a moment. That was a Laurel and Hardy film, got confused, all these black and white films look the same.
Wilfred Grimes is just a black and white postman from a bygone age. He has first class acting skills though.

Kenneth Schneider, deadly spider

Age: 4

Style: Going to bite you, see if I don't. Going to land on your head first though

Kenneth Schneider deadly spider spends most of his time on the web. He has a girlfriend though he doesn't see her much "I fell in love the moment I spied-her" he said. Kenneth used to live in the Hairdo-Welly salon amongst the wigs but developed Hair-rack-nophobia so had to move. He's happier in the post office though, "It's first class accomodation and I'm not treated like a second class citizen at all". When he's not catching and eating flies he likes to watch the customers as they prepare their letters for posting, "Each one is unique, they do like to put their own stamp on things".

Ebeneezer Duffus McGraw

Age: 43?

Style: Pulling the wool down over your eyes so he can fleece you.

"Scam and get it!" cried Ebeneezer McGraw, "This'll put hair on your chest!" If you con believe that you con believe anything. He's a bluff cove though who's life is fraud with danger. Every time he gets caught by the police he's subjected to dupe process and finds that ultimately an ill swindle blow no good.
His favourite animal? Why, a cheatah of course!

Henry MacSparrow
Age: 35
Style: Earnestly seeking something to do.
Henry MacSparrow has been a postman since the age of twelve after running away from home to join the post office. His favourite part of the job is pushing the letters in through the letter box. Frequently, if no-one is watching, he'll push a letter through the letter box then stand with hands on hips and say "My work here is done", then move onto the next house where he'll do exactly the same thing. Then, when he leaves the post office at the end of the day he'll pause outside the door and say with hands on hips "My work here is done" then go home. His favourite fantasy though is to be the only postman left after a nuclear war, "I like post apocalyptic scenarios" he explains.
One time Henry delivered an old black and white television set which had a message scrawled on top. "What's this?!" cried the recipient, "It's a telly gram" Henry responded. Another time he came across a child pushing a cardboard cut out of a giant 'A' into the town post box - "I'm posting a letter" the small child explained. Henry exercises regularly and takes lots of vitamins, "I like to keep my internal organs healthy" he said "especially my liver, no-one like de-livery problems".

Albert MacSausage

Age: 97

Style: Don't make me angry, you wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

Albert is almost 100 years old and hasn't mellowed with age. Yesterday he had all his car tyres changed so he could say to people "Just like me that car has been re-tyred" but nobody got the joke. He has an old age penchant for digging in the garden but one winter he stayed out too long and got frozen to the marrow. Once got the shock of his life to find some vegetables jumping about all over the garden until he realised that they were spring onions. "I feel like I've a-chived something when I grow vegetables", he says proudly, "for veg to grow well they really have to- matter". Every morning when he goes out into his garden he addresses his vegetables and says "Lettuce begin", then he's off like a rocket - he's salad after our own hearts.

Edwina Van Horse
Age: 96
Style: Known for holding a grudge for a long long long long time.
Albert's estranged sweetheart isn't such a fan of vegetables, but she doesn't half like flowers. She says she still has feelings for Albert but is saddened that he "doesn't want to kiss these tulips of mine. He's an avid Gardenia but showing people affection just isn't a Dahlia-ccurence for Albert".
When she was younger Edwina spent some time in the American mid- west where she regularly competed in rodeos. She decided she'd had enough when, after one competition was over, all the cowboys and cowgirls were relaxing in the competitor's hangout when suddenly an automated flying surveillance device appeared overhead and start spying on them. "I've hated rodeo-den-drones ever since" she said.

Mr Tickles

Age: 7

Style: Sorry, busy doing that laid back ginger cat thang, go away.

Life if just purrfect for this cat. If he's feline tired he'll go to sleep, waking just in time for his afternoon nap. He never wanted tabby anything other than a cat. Was once accused of fighting and when asked by the procurator fiscal "Ginger Tom?" he replied "Impussible, he's bigger than I am, in fact he mogged me!" He went to college for a while but dropped out - studied hairballogy.

Pumphrey The Pigeon

Age: nearly 2

Style: This way and that.

Pigeons like flying, there's no doubt about it, and Pumphrey is no exception. Feather it's going here or there, he'll fly just about anywhere. When asked why he spends so much time flying around and why he delivers letters too with such apparent enthusiasm and drive he'll reply "Because I'm a career pigeon". One time he went for a job interview and was asked to sit on a chair which had no back on it but he refused because he said he wasn't a stool pigeon. He's wary of hitching a ride with people as he doesn't want to get confused with passenger pigeons. During his army days he was accused with some other pigeons of taking part in a military coo. At his trial he found it hard to make his defence understood on account of his pigeon english.

Tempest Hargreaves of Winchester The Turnip

Age: 4 months

Style: Like no turnip you ever saw.

You just carrot believe how intelligent turnips can be. As well as being swede natured they can swim - but only at neep tides. Turnip are almost always purple on top, you should never eat one that's a bit on the radish side - they're only parsley ripened. Two famous fashionistas were once captured by the police after running away from a disastrous fashion show. They were spotted after they hid in a field of vegetables and one refused to disguise herself as a legume because "turnips are out of fashion at the moment".

Murdo "Fat Murdo" McMurdo

Age: 39

Style: Cashing in big style.

Fat Murdo is a crook and a gangster, responsible for the great gumball racket of '93 he cashed in immediately on the great sugar prohibition of series 5. "I never mint to get onto the wrong side of the law, but I saw a chance and took it, now I'm a career creme-inal". So far he's evaded arrest because, as an ex- cop, he's an expert in police tic-tacs. He drives a polo which is in mint condition.
Murdo has desperately been trying to lose weight for some time now. His most recent failed attempt saw him lose £100 on the National Union of Coalworkers diet. After that experience he's at pains to warn people "Never ever go on a colliery controlled diet".

Brian "Very Dodgy" Spivverson.

Age: 43

Style: Hey, want to buy some "stuff"?

Brian loves lolly. He loves boiled sweets too, and pandrops, and gumdrops. Doesn't like wine gums though, he explains that "I just can't wine my gums around them". He once appeared on television on Candied Camera and has been sent to prison for attempted raspberry.
He never socialises and has been heard to say, like Garbo, "I want toblerbealone".

Eyes

Age: range from 1 to 350

Style: We only come out when it's dark.

There's nothing cornea-bout these eyes. Some of them are ex-pupils of ours. One things for sure when they're being drawn we never forget to dot our eyes. The small ones we try to miniature eyes. If we saw huge eyes in front of us like those big ones though we'd punch them retina middle.

Badger Ovens

Age: 36

Style: Watch this! Ouch! Now watch this! Ouch again!

Badger Ovens is our hero. A total survival nut, he's able to survive in places most people can't even get to. He's survived on the moon with nothing more than a crisp packet full of air, "That was a tough assignment I must say, there wasn't a lunar a wash basin anywhere to be found". He enjoys climbing a lot, he also like hanging small ceramics with pictures of mountains on them off his earlobes - which basically means he enjoys both types of mountain earing. Badger spent his early years as a specialist soldier. They specialised in goofing up seriously badly. "You never know when the wheels are going to come off. That's just how things are in Special Farces".

Jambo Nash

Age: 41

Style: Big time fat cat director/producer/cameraman/soundman.

Jambo Nash has written, directed, produced, recorded and then watched literally four television programmes, all of which featured Badger Ovens. Wherever Badger goes, Jambo is there trying his very best to survive. "Badger once made me climb down a freezing cold waterfall head first" he recounts "And then walked down the path next to it himself. That made me a bit angry and when I asked him why he replied that 'only a nutter climbs down a waterfall'. Jambo is indeed a nutcase but prefers climbing walls to climbing waterfalls, which I suppose makes him some kind of a walnut".

Featherby Board of Directors

Age: Various

Style: Innocent piestanders.

These guys never get interested in anything. If asked 'are you interested in this?' they always reply 'no, we're board'. Tried to concoct a new type of meat pie but there was too much at steak. Quite often put polos into pastry to produce a mints pie. Were about to introduce a new type of 'fish leg' pie, but discovered fish don't have legs, so couldn't finish their steak and cod knee pie.

Longwave Crew: "Cutlass" Bob Stewart, Dennis "Shiver-me-timbers" Wilson, Harry "Dubloons" O'Keefe and Eric "Eric" Macleod

Age: various

Style: A motley bunch of cut throats and ne'er do wells, aharrr.

The Longwave Crew won't rest until your ship has been boarded, stripped of its plunder then cast adrift with a hurrah and a flaggon of rum! Aharr Jim Lad! Actually, they're pretty soft this lot and like nothing better than an afternoon spent knitting themselves a nice woollen sweater for those cold nights at sea. Then, when they're feeling a little emotional they'll sneak off into a quiet corner and shed a private-tear.

Tartanbeard Crew: "Briney" Derek "Ginger" McDonald, William "Redhat" Jones, James "Tubby" O'Shaunnessy and "Granpa" Graeme Smith.

Age: 166 combined

Style: Have at ye, ye scurvy pirates!

These pirates are the real scarey deal. When not up to their armpits in dubloons they're to be found tying together the important parts of their teeth straighteners (splicing the main braces), cutting the grass near shops that are discounting products (strimming the sales) and measuring the weight of their pet rabbit (weighing the angora). There's nothing they'd rather be doing and when they're asked "Why are you pirates?" will loudly reply "because we arrrrr".

Dwayne Calum Macfarlane IVth and his wife Ruth Macfarlane

Age: Both 52

Style: We've come all the way from America to visit the old homeland. Again..

The Maine thing about Dwayne Calum Macfarlane is he is a sketch artist, he comes from Pencilvania. His wife is a baker, she comes from Whiskoncin. All the stuff they take on their voyages abroad is very stylish and comes from Chic-cargo. Dwayne also likes to work in the garden but got confused one day when he lost his gardening tool, he said "Idaho and put it down somewhere, now I can't find it". He doesn't work in the garden much now because of his Tennessee elbow. Dwayne's other hobby is racing pigeons, he'll drive miles away then release them but instead of flying home they fly to Wyoming - "They're Wyoming pigeons" he explained.
If anyone phones their house while they're away they get a recorded message which tells them they Oregon away on holiday and Arizona-ly one place they like to be - Scotland! He thinks he's getting too old to travel and says "Once I get to sixty Alabama last trip abroad". He was asked once if his wife wouldn't like to go somewhere else for a change and he replied "Alaska! Iowa that much at least".