Bert Boggs

Age: 54½

Style: Plumber Extraordinaire

When Bert's primary 1 schoolteacher asked the class "what do you want to be when you grow up?" Bert immediately shouted out "A Plumber!". "Pipe down" said the teacher "you'd have to be a loo-natic to want to be a plumber. We had a few lads before who went off to install bathrooms for a living, they were a right shower".
Bert's been plumbing in and around Fraochy Bay for 40 years or so and he loves it. "I have a bathological fear of blocked drains though" he admitted "I'm basin that on something that happened when I was going to washer dishes at home". We think that's quite suite because it means there's soap for the rest of us.

Dileas - Meaning 'Faithful', pronounced 'Jeeliss'

Age: 4 years and 1 month

Style: See that other dog? That's not me okay?

Dileas is a pedigree dog just like Toodles only different - a West Highland Terrier or 'Westie' for short. He's been to university where he got a first class dogree. He's been trying doggedly ever since to finish his thesis so he can get his PHD - dogtor of letters. His specialist subject is 'QuanChum Mechanics', with an offshoot into the philosophy of Edward De Bonio.
Toodles gets on his nerves sometimes but he tries not to let him wuffle his feathers. Dileas is a wireless lapdog, and spends his free time on the internet where he does all his online barking.

Bill and Ben The Two Fire Men.

Age: Both 32

Style: Nee Naw Nee Naw Nee Naw Get out of the way!

These two guys once had to go and put out a fire in a huge tall building where all the people looked strangely like movie stars. The building hadn't been wired to specification, instead the terrible son-in-law of the owner tried to save a few pounds by using an inferior grade of wiring which promptly burst into flames when they switched the lights on. It was tremendous and they managed to capture the whole lot on film though how William Holden got into it we're not sure. Wait a minute, that was "The Towering Inferno" starring Paul Newman and Steve Macqueen... these two guys spend most of their time just putting out chimney fires.

Hugo Peril
Age: 24
Style: Wuh...wuh....wot wos that?? Phew it was nothing, I'm still safe....
Hugo lives life on the edge.
Danger lurks round every corner so he's on edge all the time.
"My motto is 'better safe than sorry' " he trumpeted one day.
"Pardon?" we said.
"Sorry, I'll take this large safety box off my head. Stand clear!" he replied.
One day while watching that "Lord Of The Rings" film he saw Legolas jump off a large elephant thing with 4 tusks. "That's not safe!" he shouted then went out to report Legolas to the Elf and Safety Executive.

Virgil The Rabbit

Age: 5

Style: Hoppity Hoppity Hoppity Hop

You couldn't hop to meet a nicer bunny than this rabbit. Torquil found him one day with his body and hindquarters sticking out of the ground, "he's from Headinburrow" Torquil explained. His favourite novel is about a nice quiet rabbit city where nothing ever happens - Warren Peace.
Rabbits are nice fluffy creatures, but sometimes their coats don't look very natural - but that's usually because they're wearing a bad wig or "hare-piece".

Tall Stranger with the small dog
Age: 49
Style:Like a tv producer or something
This man is very tall and plays guitar, sometimes he uses a wahwah pedal. The Chinese would say he puts all his 'chi' into it when he plays which makes it a chiwahwah pedal. That's all we have to say about him or we'll get into trouble. The dog is very small and very cute and we want one.

Daniel O' Dumbnell
Age: 43¼
Style: Do you want to buy this alligator or not then?
Daniel owns a petshop and sells all sorts of exotic pets. He once sold someone a lizard which got a lot bigger than he said it would so the owner took it back but he refused to exchange it saying "What iguana do about it eh?"
Once, he had a shop full of chimps, he was asked how many and said "about 14, ape-roximately". After that he filled his shop with small rodents but that proved to be a mouse-take, it had gerribil consequences that did. Poor Daniel had a bad accident and needed replacement lips which the hospital made from a hamster that they mashed into small pieces - so he now has two lips from hamster jam. The accident involved a weasel which he was trying to pass off as a ferret, someone pointed the difference out to him but he said that weasels were stoatally different.

Jethro the TV Announcer guy

Age: 31

Style: I appear a bit flat until you get to know me.

Announcing is this man's life. When he was very small he climbed on top of the TV set because "I always wanted to be on the telly". Used to live in the Channel Islands but moved to Skye so he could work on Skye TV.
Before becoming an announcer he worked on a programme where he grew yeast for bakeries, that show was called Yeast-tenders, after which he moved onto a documentary series about bad jokes called Punorama. Then for a while he worked on a late evening show about amphibians - the Newts at Ten.s

Budgie

Age: 1

Style: Please tweet me gently.

Budgie is a nice wee fluffy little bird who lives in a gilded cage with the two ladies. His biggest fear is becoming a snack for the pesky cat that prowls the village. Loves to watch films, in particular the Parrots of The Caribbean series. Is a bit cagey about going outside.

The Newt Circus

Age: 3 months

Style: Watch this! Watch, watch, watch....see?

The Newt Circus hail from Newt Mexico in America. When asked how they like Scotland they usually reply "It's too early to say, we're very newt to this", we think they're probably newtral on the matter. They were once bought by the vet who was going to use them for a new procedure but had actually misheard the customer who had said he wanted his pet snails neutered.
They do lots of clever stuff on high wires and rolling balls, all of which rely on newt-onian physics. They're very modest about their abilities though, "This lizarder than it really is" they'll often say.

Miss Shona Dore

Age: 38

Style: What extra dazzling bluey green whiteness I'm getting from this new powder!

Shona Dore, like most busy ladies, spends a great deal of her time washing clothes. She got confused recently and tried to wash her bike after she read something about wash cycles. She sings soaprano in her local choir, daz-ling the audience with her persilstent high notes. Her ferocious high 'E' has been known to deter gents from introducing themselves.
When asked why she enjoys washing she replies "It's never the same twice, everything can change very suds-denly". She always hangs her clothes out to dry, partly because she doesn't like the Harry Potter stories - "I've never liked Dumble-Driores" she explained.

Terrence Clamp

Age: 51

Style: I.....am an ARTISTttttTTtttt!

Terrence loves nothing more than to leave the house early in the morning and say 'Oil be back late' to his wife. He's a gifted artist, when asked how he manages to get such realism into his work he replied "Easelly".
Once went to the shop for lunch and bought-a-jelly (think about it). Rodin a bus to get there, went to get another but they didn't have any Moore. His wife bought them a new car without telling him, trading in his old vehicle, so he got home and wondered where did his Van Go. His favourite artist is that one that did a still life of an old vehicle full of vegetables...um....Car o' veggio, that's the one.

Tina Bunn

Age: 32

Style: She can't talk to the animals.

Tina bears an extraordinary resemblance to Nurse Hackitt - the receptionist at the hospital - they may even be related. Hmmmm. Perhaps Nurse Hackitt is moonlighting as Tina Bunn, or Tina Bunn is moonlighting as Nurse Hackitt. Either way, Tina is a very efficient lady who likes to keep flowers in the surgery - nurseturtiums - and likes nothing better than to assist the Vet during his treatment sessions.
Her most difficult challenge was feeding stomach upset pills to a huge amazonian snake, she explains "The tablet was enormous, so I pasted two paper ears onto it anaconda into thinking it was a mouse". She loves cats the most but always feels sorry when they're at the surgery cos they're obviously not feline very well. Tina originates from Norway and had a big problem with facial hair which has fortunately been cured but she suffered from this for years and years which makes her a genuine veteran hairy and norse.

Wilson Crisples

Age: 5

Style: I'm grown up already, I'm nearly 6 you know.

Wilson has a blue bicycle which he rides everywhere. It's a Raleigh nice bike. It's a mountain bike, which means he's always mountain the kerb. His mum caught him riding along with the front wheel in the air and gave him a row cos she thought it was a wheely stupid thing to do, he was two tyred to argue about it and hasn't spoke-n to her for a while.
Wilson's ambition is to ride his bicycle in the regional race where the bikes cycle along the promenades of towns and villages up and down the coast. It's very short and only lasts a couple of hours. It's known locally as the "Two Hour de Fronts".

Dr Domhnall Little
Age: 27
Style: He can talk to the animals.
Doctor Domhnall Little is a grade A first class veterinarian. Graduated top of his class from somewhere or other and now strides about the countryside fixing animals and charging huge amounts of wonga for it. His favourite case was the lady who came in with a small rodent and he successfully diagnosed a mouse ulcer.
During his early vet days he worked for a zoo and was sent on an animal gathering trip to the Amazon where he witnessed a python struggling with a manatee - he grabbed them both, stuck them in a coffin (the only thing he could find) and flew them back to the UK where he became famous for Manatee Python's Flying Sarcophagus.
Zoo life was not all it promised to be however and he moved to Fraochy Bay in response to an advert in the paper that said "Help! Help! Get me out of here!" He fits in quite well and loves deflating the large number of flatulent cattle that there are in the area - "It's a blast" he says. Unlike most vets he doesn't have a cat or labrador working for him so can't provide cat scans or lab reports.

Herbert Trotter

Age: 3

Style: Bit of a pig. Weeeee! Weeeeee! WEEEEEE!

Herbert loves a bit of fun, but not when it's pork quality. Used to listen to the radio all the time but had to stop eventually because of the crackling. Likes nothing better than bacon a cake or hamming it up at the farm. Nobody really talks to Herbert though cos he's a bit of a boar. Used to enjoy reading about Harry Potter but had to stop because he doesn't like the idea of Hog Warts.

Thylvethter The Thnake

Age: 6

Style: Thtay away or I mighth bitthe you

Sylvester the snake loves being with hisss friends but doesn't like their jokes which are usually a load of old cobras - His girlfriend likes them though and usually laughs so hard she has to viper eyes, but that was before she adder contact lenses fitted. He used to belong to an exclusive snake club but had to give up his mambaship.

Cecil the sausage dog

Age: 7

Style: Hot dog!

Cecil looks just like a hot dog type sausage but he's never tasted one since he hasn't mustard up the courage to do so. "Certainly if I managed to do that I'd feel I was on a roll" he said. When we asked what breed of dog he is he went "wak wak wak", which he explained is a kind of ducksound.

Percy The Piranha

Age: 3

Style: Come chhhhere, I wanna to bite choo.

Snatched from his south american jungle home, Percy can usually be found in his bowl looking longingly at the outside world - it's completely genuine, he doesn't piranha act. There's some fin not right about Percy, something a bit fishy - "Shoally you don't mean that!" he objected.

Dave, The Hamster

Age: 4 months

Style: Oi'm alright guv, hornest oi yam.

Dave was in a helicopter and had to dive out of it and go through the rapidly opening and shutting vents tied to a bungee cable. Er, no, wait a minute that was Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible, Dave just fell off his wheel and bumped his head that's all.

Goosey Goosey the Gander

Age: 2.5

Style: One day I'll fly away.

Goosey hurt his wing flying south for the winter. He landed badly and we all know that nobody likes goosebumps. The vet will take a gander at it later. He likes the vets, he says "you get goose service here".

The Ants

Age: All of them are 3 weeks old

Style: You're going that way so I'll go that way too.

The ants are in hospital because they're needing anty-biotics to treat a bacterial infection. These were administered yesterday but some of them reacted badly and have to take anty-histamines now. Once they've recovered they will be returned to the deep end of the swimming pool that they were taken from - they're indeependants you see.

The Bees

Age: All of them are 5 weeks old

Style: Buzz off!

are asked "Oh beehive yourself" they all reply. There were a couple of other things to say about bees but they're just too a-pollen to write down, something to do with beegonias.
They love to listen to music while they're at work - favourite artist is Bruce Stingsteen, bet you thought we were going to say Sting? When the working year is finished they're all going on holiday to Ha-stings.

The Bank Managers

Age: 55

Style: Give me all your cash right this minute

Banking and money is all these three think about. "Vault are you talking about?" They cry. They make loads of money, if they didn't they'd lose interest. They're allergic to spending their own cash, every time they withdraw money from their own accounts they develop withdrawal symptoms. Their favourite film is that one where Tom Cruise shouts 'Show Me The Money!' and they frequently shout it at each other, then trot down to the vaults where they actually do show themselves the money.

Norman Porter
Age: 34
Style: Boldly going where Norman has gone before
Norman is a cirrius astronaut. When he first got the opportunity to go into space he said it was "saturn up for the books" and "venus the launch date?" His twin brother, Peter, thinks he's marsvellous and says "io Norman a great deal for all the hard work he does and I've never known him to Pluto-n airs and graces".
When Nasa were running their famous missions to the moon, Peter and Norman were trying their own miniature missions sending small mint sweets with the hole in them up into the air - these were known as their "a polo" missions. "We never underestimate the gravity of what we do" said Norman "Sometimes I like it up here, other times it's boring, there's no atmosphere".
The first mission to Mars is expected to last 30 years after which time they'll be looking at how to get Norman back to earth. Norman explained heroically "I expect the spaceship will be a bit knackered by then, so I might have a bit of difficulty getting it to start never mind getting all the way back to earth. I'm going to make a short film about getting it up and running again which I'll call 'Start Wreck' ".

"Splish" the grumpy fish

Age: 8 weeks

Style: I'm a very grumpy grumpy fish

Even though he's only 8 weeks old, Splish the fish has seen it all. Seen it all in the form of the newt circus and he doesn't want to see any more. He wanted to get trout of his bowl and put them in their plaice but then salmon told him he can't survive out of water - if he tries it he might end up having to go see haddock-tor - so for the moment he's just patiently waiting to be bought by someone although no-one's been bowled over by his fishy charms as yet. Don't get on his wrong side or you'll roe the day you do. He does a clever thing where he spins his tail and rises up in the air - he can do that because he's a heli-butt.

Eugene Haypenny

Age: 36

Style: Hopelessly devoted to the bank

Eugene has been in the bank since leaving school. Er...that's it.

Count Otto Von Mackenzie

Age: 72

Style: Vos iss das??

Count Otto had to leave Germany because he had very low Marks at school. Francsly we're amazed he made it this far. "Euro mazing" we said, "Please, don't make a drachma out of a crisis" he insisted "it's just a peso nonsense". Our conversation started out interesting but quickly became dollar and dollar until we had ruble staying awake - however we managed to shekel leg and woke up agYen after which it was dinar-time. Sorry, this man's bio is Zloty nonsense.

The Loan Arranger

Age: 26

Style: Hiho silver (coins)....away!

This guy is pretty deadpan all the time which, when you're talking to him, is Tontomount to being rude. He borrowed the loan wolf's car (a Saab) one time but instead of returning it the wolf had to come and say "Key? My Saab? Eh?"

Eduardo - The Loan Wolf

Age: 44

Style: My what big reserves of cash I have.

There's a rumour going about that Eduardo buys his clothes off the 'quality items' shelf in charity shops - making him a "wolf in cheapish clothing" but he says "it's all a pack of lies". I asked why there is a slight doggy look about him and he explained, somewhat hoarsely, "I'm a wee bit husky". "I-Knew-it!" I cried "Ask 'im more" someone else shouted.

Henri LePrune
Age: 56
Style: I'm jjjoost lookeeng at zees penteeng eeurr
Henri runs a second hand poetry book shop in Paris, very near the Eiffel Tower. It's a bit of a pig in a poke really as it doesn't make any money "Le sales pitch was trop effective and Eiffel for eet. C'est incomprehensible" he explains mournfully between mouthfulls of croissant. Henri likes a bit of poetry writing and has penned a few classics such as "C'est Vendredi aujourd'hui" (It's friday today).

Le Da Vinci Perdu
Age: 48
Style: Renaissance masterpiece wearing an odd hat.
This is one of the more interesting Da Vinci's. Un homme, dans une painting plus enorme. The dark and sinister aspect to the person inside the painting is asking of us "who are you and why aren't you wearing a hat like this". We ask ourselves "who is this man and what is his job? Was he an apothecary? An assassin? A messenger of the king perhaps?"

Stuart Monet & Josephine Hughes

Age: 58 and 27 respectively

Style: Bombs away!

Stu Monet and Josephine Hughes were on a mission to deliver pizza one day when suddenly Josephine tapped Stu on the shoulder. She yelled "Don't forget about that tin of spinach you owe me". "What?" cried Stu and lost control of the aeroplane, it nosedived and sped towards the ground. Just at the last moment Stu was able to pull back on the stick and they ploughed into the ground and screeched to a halt - a bit mangled but alive. They staggered out of the wrecked plane. Stu coughed, "Where are we?" he asked, somewhat bewildered.
"We're in Herman the farmer's cornflake field". "What were you saying to me just before I lost control?" "You owe me a tin of spinach". "Ah yes, that."
So from that event sprang the immortal line...."Never in the field of Herman's Cornflakes has spinach been owed by Stu Monet to Sophie Hughes".

James Yannic
Age: 36
Style: You want me to change the oil guv?
James once stopped by the road to see if he could help a local farmer who appeared to be massaging the lower beaks of his chickens. "Are you having a little hen chin trouble?" he asked.
Don't ask him anything as he'll just say "Stop! I axle the questions here". Actually studied jewellery making in art school. Made a tiny miniature engine block which he dangled from his earlobe, that got him his engine earing degree.
His favourite piece of equipment is his box of hats made out of old socks. He just loves sockhat sets.

Autopong

Age: 2 (still under warranty)

Style: Anyone for a game of Table Tennis?

Autopong held the ball firmly then 'WHAM' over the net it went. "Out!" shouted the umpire. "You CANNOT be serious" shouted autopong and threw down his racquet. Um. No, that was John McEnroe at Wimbledon back in the 80's. Autopong only plays pingpong.

Herman Lee
Age: 78
Style: What rubbish is this?
It's great being a farmer, especially if the work you do doesn't involve heavy work cos it's loam maintenance. Someone suggested he should produce milk too but he said "how dairy make such a suggestion?" One night while examining his cows his torch went out, so he plugged a chicken into it and it worked ok - he was able to do this because it was a battery hen. He started off very small, a chicken farm on a poultry few acres, eventually ending up with 2,000 acres and 2,300 head of cattle which he says is "udderly amazing". Used to keep sheep but felt there'd beef fewer problems with cows.

Harold Butcher The Baker

Age: 49

Style: I knead the dough really badly.

Harold keeps his methods a closely guarded secret, we asked how he gets his bread so fluffy and he said "You don't knead to know", we still bunifit from his expertise though or am meringue about that? He found his roll early in life, although he felt baker's college was tough going he said he would dough his best.
Harold had a horrible moment one time when his wife laid some of his newly pressed shirts on top of a load of pastries and flattened them - effectively turning them into shirt-crushed pastries.

Maurice Minor

Age: 21

Style: I'm not a nosey git, I'm acting in the public interest.

Nobody like a nosey parker and they don't come much nosier than journalists. We once looked at a project to collect all of them and send them down a big hole into the earth's mantle thereby melting them. A publisher heard about our proposal and suggested we try it with one first and see how that worked then go for the big one, we're doing just that and writing a book about it which will be out shortly called 'Journo To The Centre Of The Earth'.

Journalists don't like to be touched by people generally because they articley.

Geraint Mclintock

Age: 47

Style: I'm going to faint!

Geraint loves to faint, is he going to? Yes he ain't!That's the incomprehensible gibberish that schoolchildren used to yell at poor Geraint who's completely prone to losing consciousness for the slightest reason. One day someone's headgear fell down and Geraint fainted, "Sorry," he said on regaining consciousness "I faint at the drop of a hat".

Sophia Le Mans

Age: 32

Style: Quoi? Le Da Vinci Perdu?!

This lady is from Paris, she's French. She went sailing once and kept calling for "Marseilles Marseilles", which they added because they felt they had nothing Toulouse although it might seem it was Bordeauxring on folly there was only a Lille wind.
She's a Louvre of renaissance art. Once fell in the river and was declared in Seine, well Francais that.

Armand de Schmidt

Age: 43

Style: Silky smooth like a jar of molasses spread over a yard of margarine

When you want to enter France you have to get past this guy, he'll soon acquaint you with French customs.

"Immigrate guy" he says "and when you want to leave, emigrate guy too, heehon heehon heehon".

Mackenzie Farquhar de Smith III

Age: 26½

Style: Say buddy, have you lost your marbles?

Mackenzie is cousin to the inestimable Torquil Farquhar de Smith, resident poet. He's the resident poet in his home town of Frakey Brae, Wyoming, and has penned such enduring classics as "It's Wednesday Today" and "Oh the calamitous potato bag of yore". He was once asked to stop singing his creations because 'Illinois the neighbours'. He then put a soundproofed box on his head and said "Seattle stop the noise", although when he did start singing he heard a knock on the door and said "Alabama neighbour I guess".

Humphrey Bartholomew Scrofulo Snails
Age: 58
Style: The meaning of life is TAX.
Nobody likes Humphrey, he's a taxman and nobody likes taxmen. Taxmen are government sanctioned highway robbers who don't get punished for stealing your money. He started off early, asking for his pocket money in the form of drawing pins because they were 'income tacks'. He especially likes the idea of value added tax but actually thinks that all tax has added value.
His first job was on a chicken farm, in the quality control department. There he found he liked working for the eggs checker and then moved onto the department that rented out bits of the hen farm to make additional income - hen land revenue.
Wanted to be the face of the revenue and go on TV to insist that everyone hand over all their cash to them immediately or face the consequences. The revenue declined the suggestion and opted for a cheerier "Tax doesn't need to be taxing" horrible smiley false advertising campaign instead - like it was a fun thing or something.

The Combover Kid
Age: 28
Style: Mention the hair and I shoot
He's from the wild west he is, a six-gun toting terror who blasts away for a living. Actually he's one of the good guys and spends his days fighting for truth and justice. He went into the town of No Hope Springs one time and saw a very large man trying to make his way down the very narrow street.
"What's your name?" he asked.
"My name's Beau" said the huge man.
"Are you Mr and Mrs Theosophus's boy?"
"That's right"
"I knew it.... this town's not big enough for Beau Theosophus".